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Post by Stacy on Oct 20, 2010 10:06:12 GMT -5
Two months ago, I made the mental note to read 10 when I can sit down and read through the whole thing from the start. I just did. It is very gripping. I love it. So I come straight here to find out how the writer is doing with 10.08. lol. The human race has been making up stories and passing them on forever (myths, folklores, and even the Biblical stories if they can be counted). There can be a lot more to creative writing than publishing and making money off it! Awww, thank you! I am not giving up on 10 - just taking a small break. I have been writing about Seth for over a year now, after all. I'm hoping to have Farmer Brown finished relatively soon - it has to be done by Halloween, at least - and then as soon as I post it I'm diving back into 10 and starting 10.08. I can feel it back there in my subconscious. And I think it'll be better for the break - I'm growing and figuring things out and all that kind of stuff. And I agree - one of the things I'm figuring out is that I'm perfectly fine with doing this how I'm doing it at the moment. I am learning internal validation, lol. Thank you so much! *hugs*
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Post by celebkiriedhel on Oct 20, 2010 21:07:26 GMT -5
Yay! (once you're done - teach it to me? )
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Post by Stacy on Oct 24, 2010 18:00:01 GMT -5
Yay! (once you're done - teach it to me? ) Aww, thanks. And sure, I can try.
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Post by Stacy on Oct 24, 2010 18:01:52 GMT -5
Crossposting from LJ. My sister-in-law is really into equality and acceptance for all gender identities and sexual preferences. Being really into equality and acceptance for all living beings myself, I can get into that. So we were talking at dinner the other night, and it turns out - omg, you guys, there's a "label" for my sexual orientation! Demisexual definition I made up my own term for it before learning about this - I called it monosexual, which apparently is already used to mean something else. I imagine that explains a bit about the romances in my stories - like I told my husband last night, Seth does not take relationships lightly. Took him like, what, forty or fifty years after killing Sarah to get interested in Lilith? And I don't know if you've noticed, but I was careful to mention Caitlyn's hair and eye color in 10 - black hair and blue eyes like Lilith. So, like, seventy or eighty years after 10 he's still subconsciously thinking about Caitlyn. I've been reading a few YA novels with male protagonists lately, and yeah, I can see differences there. Even as a 15 year old, Seth doesn't really care that much about sex as sex and is drawn to Caitlyn more emotionally than anything else. Lilith is like that too, but then that's not surprising considering how alike Lilith and Seth are. I don't think she was really interested in anyone before Jason, and even with Jason sometimes she wasn't interested overly much in sex. And Jason - Jason I think is a bit closer to the sexual side of the spectrum but he was driven more by emotional attraction than anything else. Dude was crazy in love with Lilith - although hmm. You know - I think he was perhaps more than a little in love with his idea of Lilith moreso than the actual Lilith. But hey! Gunky shows that I can write characters who don't share my preferences! And Caitlyn - you know, now that I think about it, I think Caitlyn really can separate sex from love. Which is definitely not something I can do. But yeah - she is good at splitting stuff and keeping up an outer mask and a different inner self. You'll see that more in later bits of 10.
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Post by Stacy on Nov 4, 2010 23:14:40 GMT -5
Starting 10.08 this weekend hopefully. All excited about getting back to my darling honey baby Seth.
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Post by celebkiriedhel on Nov 4, 2010 23:18:26 GMT -5
Yay!
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pinkfiend1
Full Member
Missing everyone
Posts: 467
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Post by pinkfiend1 on Nov 11, 2010 20:31:05 GMT -5
*Eagerly awaits the next part*
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Post by Stacy on Nov 11, 2010 20:38:31 GMT -5
*Eagerly awaits the next part* Awww, thanks. I will be starting on it soon - I meant to start on it tonight, but I can't focus on anything but research now. Which I found out that it just may be the original source of my social anxiety. And knowing the origins of my issues helps me deal with them. So I may be making progress on that soon. I can see how the social anxiety would be the one symptom to linger. I'm pretty much okay. I've dealt with all the other stuff, know how to avoid/handle triggers most of the time, haven't cut in four to five years, etc.
But the social anxiety - I didn't know it was related, and my experiences on the internet have certainly kept that wound raw and open. Yeah - I noticed the language I had been using for talking about SimSecrets today. Violation. Nowhere is safe. I am a horrible person who doesn't deserve to live. I only felt safe when I hid the blog, when the stats page was blank, when there weren't any hands on me that I didn't want. So it's time to set about healing this one last wound. Current goal - read one thing I am scared of a day, whether it's a PM, a response on here, or a comment on a LJ entry. And I just have to work tomorrow and then I am off on vacation all next week. 10.08 will be published within seven to nine days, if not sooner.
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Post by Stacy on Nov 12, 2010 1:03:54 GMT -5
Take that, social anxiety!!!!
I didn't just read and reply to one LJ comment today. Oh no.
I just read and replied to 8 LJ comments.
I saw what gave the secrets their power, and I took it away.
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Post by Stacy on Nov 12, 2010 17:41:04 GMT -5
I'm still feeling all brave, but we're leaving in 30 minutes for Friday night stuff so I don't feel up to reading srs bsns stuff at the moment because generally a reply to a srs bsns comment or reply or whatever can take hours to write. BUT I WILL!!!! So! 10 news! I had this song on repeat one at work today. The audio quality is crap, but the video makes up for it. And at least for me the video takes a second to show up, but it does show up. Viking KittensRelated to both 10.08 and my general mood at the moment. AAAAAAAAA-AH!
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Post by celebkiriedhel on Nov 13, 2010 0:25:17 GMT -5
I love Viking Kitties! Also Led Zeppelin "Immigrant Song" (and indeed most of the songs off that Album) is awesomesauce!
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Post by Stacy on Nov 13, 2010 1:00:37 GMT -5
I love Viking Kitties! Also Led Zeppelin "Immigrant Song" (and indeed most of the songs off that Album) is awesomesauce! Thanks for the comment - was feeling a bit like a social failure and like everyone hated me. Also trying very hard to not be triggered by SimSecret again. I may be reading more LJ comments now but it's going to take way way longer than one day to get completely better. Well - obviously, since the last secret I know about was around mid-February or so and here I am nine months later still feeling triggered when I see the secrets mentioned on Twitter. New goal: avoid Twitter on Friday night. Also, should probably go to bed. I am very very extremely tired and I'm sure that doesn't help and I can feel myself about to go into a raging crying jag. Sorry, all the stiff upper lip and positive talk ain't gonna help this. The secrets, to me, are and will always be evil. I've learned from a line in a comment I read on LJ that the thing a few weeks ago involved filtering. That's good. That's great. I really applaud that. Hopefully that will keep someone else safe. But for me, the damage has already been done. Some wounds run too deep to ever completely heal. But hell if I'm going to give them power over me anymore. Feelings are feelings, and I don't think it's giving them power to feel the rage and the self-hate and the guilt and the emptiness and the...self-hate, again. But letting those feelings keep me locked inside a cell is giving them power. It's all about attachment, isn't it? The goal is let the feelings rise and take their course and go away, without becoming attached to them. Without holding on to them. Without being imprisoned by them. It's okay to cry and scream and type curse words in all caps with plenty of exclamation points, as long as tomorrow I rise and continue to go into the fear, to read comments and PMs and replies. And I would go and read some stuff now if I wasn't so freaking tired. Also, one thing that really helps - I'm not going to out her by name without her permission, but I've been talking to someone else who was the target of a string of hate secrets. And she deals with similar emotions. So I'm not a freak.
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Post by sb on Nov 13, 2010 8:19:56 GMT -5
You are NOT a freak. People who find entertainment in hurting other people are sadistic. Sometimes they're amateurs, but sometimes they are very very good at drawing blood. The only time I was deliberately attacked for someone's amusement, I quit the forum and never went back. You have a lot of guts to try it again.
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Post by thelunarfox on Nov 13, 2010 10:44:14 GMT -5
I'll echo sb, you aren't a freak. Anyone targeted like that would feel the same. That you came back and stay speaks of your strength. I'm glad you are still here. Lots of people end up leaving the community all together after an experience like that.
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dinuriel
Full Member
Torturing characters? Me? Nooo...
Posts: 374
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Post by dinuriel on Nov 13, 2010 15:03:18 GMT -5
I never went through what you went through online, but when I was a kid I got bullied at school, and if anyone had ever offered me the chance to run, I would have taken it without thought. Believe me when I say that you are an incredibly strong person to stick around and stand up for your cause
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Post by Stacy on Nov 13, 2010 18:21:52 GMT -5
I suck, and I need to go away until I don't suck. Or something. I'm sorry for being annoying and irritating and upsetting people. Ah - I had read about compassion fatigue and felt that I was probably doing that to you guys. But then I read some more about it, and it doesn't seem to necessarily mean getting tired of someone - although...although really even if it did I could understand that. Because yeah - there's been people that I felt empathy for and tried to help but the help never...helped. And then it started to feel more like they were a sort of vampire sucking up all my empathy and compassion but it never made anything better. And at some point it's like "You need more help than I can give." If it helps - you guys do make it better. I am making progress, and I am trying my best to help myself. And that means recognizing boundaries and that people have their own reasons for their actions and behaviors that have nothing to do with me. And I am now going to take a shower and we're going to order pizza and watch a movie, and I am going to hang out with the person who loves me more than anyone and who I love, and I am going to be satisfied. I am going to have enough. And I'm going to try as best as I can to not hate myself. I can't be that horrible if my husband and my cats - and my friends - love me.
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Post by celebkiriedhel on Nov 13, 2010 19:00:59 GMT -5
This is very true, and something to hold onto when you're not feeling it. Personally - you haven't hit my compassion limit at all, not even half-way. So feel free to be as whiney and struggling as you need. Also I don't know if your reading mentioned this, but it is very true - compassion fatigue only strikes when the giving of compassion is not reciprocal. You give so much compassion and love back to all your friends (and I suspect husband and cats) that the likelihood of fatigue setting in for me is remote. Besides which I promise, I will let you know if it's ever difficult. You have enough to deal with, without trying to guess what's going on in my head and heart. YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A MIND READER!!! Seriously, I am not coerced into being compassionate, or empathic, or any other feeling. I do these things because I choose to do or exercise my feelings, and it is not a burden. Because I have fewer spoons than a normal person (but more than a truly disabled person) I spend my spoons consciously. It's my choice! You have very quickly become one of my friends, someone I care about. That is because you're a wounded warrior. You have your wounds - your pain, and social anxiety and you don't let it beat you!!! You fight to win with every ounce of your strength. Do you know how inspiring and encouraging that is? I for one am amazed by it. I wish that sometimes I had half that courage. Seriously. I know it can be hard to feel worthwhile, and sometimes you feel that you're too much. But sometimes you know, feelings aren't based on reality. They're echoes of the past. So you can trust us when we say you are worthwhile. And we'll believe it for you, when you can't believe it for yourself. That's not hard to to do. Because it's true. To summarise - You do not suck. If you try to go away until you don't suck I will come after you with a big bear hug and bring you back. I am not anywhere near compassion fatigue, and I will let you know if I ever get near that limit. You are awesome, even when you don't feel it.
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Post by raquelaroden on Nov 14, 2010 8:35:23 GMT -5
You do not annoy and upset people, and you do not suck. You are awesome! Don't forget that.
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Post by Stacy on Nov 14, 2010 14:56:44 GMT -5
You do not annoy and upset people, and you do not suck. You are awesome! Don't forget that. Awww, thanks. You are full of awesome and win and good things yourself, you know, and I'm so happy that you found and liked Valley and commented on it and - didn't you say on Beth's blog that it maybe even inspired you to do Ed? If so...then that makes everything worth it. And yay I'm so glad that we're friends and you're here and I get to hang out with you and read your stories and occasionally make up little Stacy rhymes for you. And yes, I'm scrolling from the bottom up and reading and replying. It's a thing I do - scrolling really fast all the way down and then up slowly seems to work best when I'm scared and anxious but want to read stuff. Plan to read and respond to all the comments within the next couple of days. ALSO! I am currently installing Sims 3! The launcher is having problems, but I'm still getting stuff patched. We'll see. I can't find my High End Loft Stuff disk, but I don't know that I ever used much from it anyway. So whatever. And everything except that and the base game I bought online so it's all in the Download Manager. I think a few hours spent just playing the game would be really really helpful.
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Post by Stacy on Nov 14, 2010 15:29:38 GMT -5
I never went through what you went through online, but when I was a kid I got bullied at school, and if anyone had ever offered me the chance to run, I would have taken it without thought. Believe me when I say that you are an incredibly strong person to stick around and stand up for your cause YAY! I read this! Kiri - read yours too but it's going to take a while to reply and we might be going out to the grocery soon. I didn't really get bullied at school - I mean, there were a few unpleasant incidents, but - even the worst, where my friends wrote me a rejection letter sophomore year - that only lasted a week. Not months. And it was very clean and sharp - no taunting, no reminders of it after it was done. So the secrets were a new experience for me, and I imagine having made it to your late 20s without being severely bullied gives one an advantage. Well - for the standing up bit. Not for the dealing with it bit. And because it's a new experience and I didn't learn how to deal with it when I was younger, it kind of felt like I looked ridiculous and stupid to people who did deal with it when they were younger. But oh well, it's all good. And you rock! I am also glad that you came to hang out with us and added your voice and your stories here. And if we'd gone to school together, I would have hung out with you.
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