Writing about death

[Sarahjane]

So here's a question I've been pondering: how do you write about death? I have two death ROS coming up in the next round, and I'm interested in how they'll affect my hood, but I'm dreading having to write those stories. I haven't experienced a lot of death in my own life, and I'm not sure how to write about it in away that isn't overwrought and overly dramatic or cold and unemotional. What do you guys think? How do you tackle death?

[Stacy]

Umm - I really have to go take a shower and then I really would like to at least try to get one more freaking sentence into the 10.08 draft, so this is just a note to say that I WILL BE BACK TO THIS THREAD, OMG!!!!



Explanatory note - I kill my characters with gleeful abandon.

[laura]

Oh my, this is a big question. I have an update to get out tonight, so I may have to come back to this in a couple days with some more thought to offer. But in short, I'll say, I have experienced a lot of loss in my own life, and I have no idea how to explain how to capture that feeling. Every person (and thus every character) reacts to death differently. And even every person reacts to the deaths of different people very differently. It's all so very unique.

That said, just don't do what they do in daytime TV soaps, lol! Real death is rarely so melodramatic.

[infinitygoddess]

It depends on the death. Considering that my primary Sim story (that being Mikhailachev Manor) contains vampires, death is a given because my vampires have to kill in order to feed themselves. They also outlive their human relatives and friends, so there's old age aspects there as well.

And of course, there is the bizarre death of Pavel Mikhailachev I and his subsequent resurrection into a zombie.

In short order, it's pretty easy to write if the death is violent and messy, especially if the victim has been an unsavory character. For example, my one guy, Aleksandr Romanov-Mikhailachev, killed the man who had sexually abused him as a teenager not long after he became a vampire at the age of 37 (which was the age he was at the time he agreed to bind himself to his host vampire and lover Sergei Mikhailachev). I had no issue in offing that guy (that being Sacha's abuser), if only because he was an unsavory and irredeemable character.

By the same token, I had no issue in offing two of Sacha's brothers because they were homophobic and cruel to their youngest brother (being Sacha) when Sergei killed them once they found out that Sergei and their brother Sacha were vampires.

On the other hand, I had a difficulty in writing the death of Sacha's daughter Kalina from old age, and it'll be hard once I get to writing the death of Sacha's first child and son Alexander. Both of his first two children died of old age, and Sacha was particularly close with his daughter. She was the one who changed his life by snapping him out of his bitterness with his past riddled with child abuse and sexual violence in the years before he'd met her other father Sergei. Thanks to her, Sacha was a better parent to his second son and only living child Akim when he was a child than he was with his first son, with whom he had difficulties with, considering the times in which Alexander was born (which is the time when people were very hostile with the idea of gay men raising children). So in retrospect, Sacha took Kalina's death very hard, as did his partner Sergei. He breaks down crying once he hears the news and eventually, his vampire son Akim becomes his crutch.

SPOILER: Click to show

Just recently, in the chapters of The Beginning, Sacha just had to deal with the old age death of his brother Luka, who, in a moment of lucidity, apologizes to Sacha, even though he doesn't remember all the nasty things that he'd done to Sacha when they were younger. In that instance, Sacha forgave his last surviving brother and thus Luka is the reason Sacha doesn't drop the name of Romanov completely, deciding instead to hyphenate his last name to the name of Mikhailachev.

That's how I dealt with death in Sacha's case.

[raquelaroden]

I guess it's going to depend on what the person who dies is to those who are left behind, plus how they felt about the person. So...maybe first think about the degree of impact--how many lives will it affect and in what ways? Then maybe think about who is doing the grieving or dealing, and how to show distinct aspects of their character and personality in the ways that they deal with it. Will some seek to bury their grief and push it down by distracting themselves with drugs or work or sex? Will some focus on the tasks that come with a death (funeral arrangements, executing the will, etc.)? Will others just cry a lot?

[mdpthatsme]

Ditto to what sb typed. I have a lot of death in my prose writing...some in my Simmies...those of which I never posted online...well, except for Christine's Story.

[dinuriel]

Writing death isn't too different from writing anything else, really, or at least that's what I find (then again, my readers might argue that I kill off characters so often that I just don't notice the difference anymore). So unfortunately, I can't really give any advice, except maybe that it's a learning thing? I think most readers have the notion that two things are particularly difficult to write: death and sex. They tend to be lenient with both of these, so I hope you don't feel pressured. Just try to write like you always write, and maybe aim for something sensitive, yet poignant (unless it's a comic death, which I gather from your question, it isn't).

Good luck

[celebkiriedhel]

Preface: I've had a lot of experience with death (unfortunately), 1990 was a bad year (5), also have lost 5 more family since then, and 3 friends. So these are my thoughts...

If you want to write about death and dying authentically then there's a lot of things you can do. My experience and the stuff below is death of a loved one. Death of a stranger or enemy is different again.

Writing about death is not so much about the dead person, as the people around them, generally. There can be some powerful stories about a dying person - The Fountain, jumps out at me straight away. But also there's other films (I remember one with Mary Tyler Moore in it that was exceptional, but quite a while ago).

Elizabeth Kubler Ross "On Death and Dying" suggested that there are 5 stages of grieving, but how people go through them are individual.

Stages are:

1. Denial. This can be the 'Oh no I can't believe he's dead', or feeling that frisson of excitement and panic everytime you see someone like them on the street. Or indeed having an overwhelming feeling that they're not dead, they're hiding.

2. Anger - This can be blame towards the dead person, towards whoever they think is responsible for the death, to God/Universe, the neighbour's cat. Whatever. A big one - is blaming themselves.

3. Negotiation - to be frank, I don't see how this one turns up in grief at all. Dying, yes.

4. Depression. Mourning the loss. Tears in unexpected places. Not feeling like there's any point to life now that the loved one is gone. Depression is not just a feeling, it's also about having emotional room for things. So happy events can be stressful simply because it takes too much out of one. It can also be a reminder of what is lost. It's knowing you've read the last chapter of their book.

5. Acceptance. They've gone. You move on. Your life takes a new shape and you live with it. You remember them with fondness.


None of these stages are the be-all and end-all. You can go through each of them at different times and multiple times. Some you can skip entirely. Some you get stuck in. Some can run concurrently with each other.

There's also the anniversaries - death anniversaries, anniversaries of important events. They can cause extra problems for the grievers. And the body remembers when the mind doesn't. So for many people there is a feeling of sadness and depression on the anniversaries even when you've forgotten the dates. The depression lifts when you remember that it's an anniversary. There also is a lessening with each anniversary - 7 years appears to be a magical number for that, if a person has grieved well.

So.


Decide on the type of death. How the death happens, will affect what you need to write about: Sudden or due to illness or due to a risky situation.


If it's a death by surprise (i.e. sudden, unexpected), it will have the consequences of someone just not being there. No preparation, just the shock of the news.

There isn't just the grieving, and the feelings of sadness. There's also the whole world-out-of-kilter feeling. The panic while you try to find some sense, there's been no preparation.

The denial phase tends to occur longer, simply because there was no preparation. They're here, they're gone. It's a huge shock.

Different people deal with that feeling, in different ways. And depending on how connected to the dead person they are.
Some people will fight to try and return their life to their pre-ROS rhythms. Others will find new ways of living without the dead person.


Death by Illness will have a pre-grieving time. This is where the stages that Kubler Ross has makes most sense. Not just for the person dying, but for those around them. And definitely negotiation becomes a step. "Live long enough to do this or that". Live until Christmas, that wedding, seeing an absent loved one, just one more time. There's also the worry and dread of what the grievers will do once the person is gone. If the relationship has been dysfunctional at all, there'll be a guilt at the feeling of relief, or a regret on not being able to mend fences. There's lots of time to worry about once they're dead, as well as deal with the extra demands both emotional and physical that someone with a serious illness. Your emotional space shrinks. Also another thing to consider is that people will transfer worry about things they can't control (the person dying) into things that they can - like money, work, etc.

The other thing that happens with a dying person - is their deconstructing life into what is important. Remembering old memories, and pulling out the things they've learned. It can be like a re-cap.


Death due to a risky situation is different again. It's similiar to both of the above, because no matter how much you know that they are taking a risk - there's a part that just doesn't believe that they'll die. On the other hand - there's always a bit of preparation before hand, a bit of mindset dealing. Knowing that this time might be the last that you see them - tears at the good bye, having a way of dealing with life that doesn't include them.

Laura's episode in LH with Amelia and her mum while the dad is off at war, is a good example of this. Amelia deals with the risky situation by not thinking about it. Amelia's mum takes comfort in the ways she's prepared in her mind for her husband's possible death. They are both different ways of coping.

Once they've died there's the dread and sadness of knowing that what they were afraid of, has come true. That can lead to avoiding risks themselves later.

The other thing to remember, is how close and attached a person was to the dead person, will affect the intensity of how these things. The less attached, the less it will be an interruption in their life rhythms. eg. Princess Diana and the world vs Someone and their mum.

Anyways - before this becomes a novel in itself.

I hope there are lots of ideas in there for you.

[mdpthatsme]

I think putting emotion of death also has to do with the character. Some characters are bound to react diffrerently than others, such as a child character vs. a teenager vs. adults vs. the elderly. Each are going to have different stages of reactions. Also the personality makes a difference: are they going to be stubborn about it, fall apart into crums, or remove themselves in isolation and a bottle of whiskey.

[Sarahjane]

Thanks guys! I will keep your advice in mind.

What I'm really struggling with is not how to kill my characters (ROS answered that for me!) but how it will impact their loved ones. One soon-to-be-dead character is the grown child of a very large family, the other is someone's partner and father. These deaths are forcing me to get a better idea of a lot of characters so I can figure out how they'll all react. It's not really that I'm dreading writing these updates; I think they'll make the story a lot more interesting and detailed, but I think they'll take a lot of work.

But anyway, these deaths aren't due for a few more weeks. Between now and then I have plenty of fluffy updates to write.

[celebkiriedhel]

Grown child in a large family.

Parents: they often have a 'parent outliving the child' guilt, on top of all the other grieving.

Siblings: depending on where the child was, and whether the family was close or not - depends on how they react. Changes the family dynamic - the roles each sib takes in the family culture moves around to cope with the loss of a sib. That includes 'black sheep' behaviour too.

Husband and Father.

Wife: the usual grieving, but also worry if the partner was the main breadwinner.

Children: depending on the age - bewilderment and confusion. Kids often don't understand death when they are young. Kids who have fought with their dad, can think that it's their fault the father died. (It's called magical thinking. They were angry and therefore he died). That can happen even in to the teenage years.