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Post by celebkiriedhel on Jan 13, 2011 8:36:26 GMT -5
One day my darling girl, you'll believe us.
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Post by Stacy on Jan 13, 2011 11:41:57 GMT -5
So I made the huge mistake of acknowledging the secret last week.
My comment got two replies, and I saw enough of one to know that some anonymous coward had a problem with my response.
I am sitting here, heart racing, trying to decide if I should scroll down and read the whole thing, and I know.
I will never be over the secrets.
Thanks for the permanent scars, assholes.
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dinuriel
Full Member
Torturing characters? Me? Nooo...
Posts: 374
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Post by dinuriel on Jan 13, 2011 11:57:58 GMT -5
I don't normally read the comments in SimSecret, and the reply you're talking about is a good example of why. What this douchebag said to you was incredibly rude and I don't doubt that they would have kept their mouth shut if anonymous commenting had been disabled. I read the thread you were talking about, and I have a quick, non-specific, hopefully non-triggering summary if you want to know: The other direct response to your comment is positive. With the nasty response, Mela and a couple others users come to your defense, but the anon comes back and explains themself rather caustically. Since you can't get emailed when someone responds to your anonymous comment, it's probably someone who has nothing better to do on a Friday night than check SimSecret time after time after time, so I'd say not to worry about it, but I know that's easier said than done But I hope that if nothing else, you know that there are people who love your work and will continue to do so
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Post by sb on Jan 13, 2011 12:44:32 GMT -5
Stacy, that whole simsecrets thing is a place for people who have grudges to vent, a place for people who are jealous to try to knife the object of their envy, and a place for total nutcases who are desperate for attention to try to grab some. It is no different from any other anonymous forum except that it happens to be about this particular game. You're good, and you're different, and you make a very tempting target. You can't fix them or reason with them. They're going to continue snapping at your heels and pissing on your porch. Small mean dogs hiding behind anonymous bushes.
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Post by laura on Jan 13, 2011 12:59:23 GMT -5
I read it Stacy - don't bother reading it, that hater is not worth your time. Your original response was perfectly fine. These people pick at things to start drama because they think it makes them feel big to put other people down, when really it just makes them really sad and lame. Beth said it better, lol!
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Post by Stacy on Jan 13, 2011 22:15:11 GMT -5
I read all the replies! Go me, go me! *happy dance* Dinuriel - I love you. I can't tell you how much I appreciate all the support you've given me on this issue. *hugs* I will say that after reading your post at work and after having my suspicions confirmed - I sort of started crying. But then I called John before it turned into a complete crying jag and he helped me feel better. I was all "Why don't they leave me alone?" and he said "Because you keep fighting back" and I said "Well, yeah. That's what you do. It's what I have in common with Nova. She always comes and jumps in my lap when I scream "Fuck you I won't do what you tell me!" because she knows what's up." Killing in the NameScreaming along with that song is a surefire way to get this cat in your lap: Okay, so that is a really old pic and she's five years old now, but she's still pretty small. OMG! I just tested it out and yep - she came over and jumped up in my lap like always. OMG YOU GUYS!!! I link that video and mention the Nova jumping on the first page of this thread, again in connection with the secrets! I am not a person. I am a Mobius strip.
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Post by Stacy on Jan 13, 2011 22:47:36 GMT -5
Stacy, that whole simsecrets thing is a place for people who have grudges to vent, a place for people who are jealous to try to knife the object of their envy, and a place for total nutcases who are desperate for attention to try to grab some. It is no different from any other anonymous forum except that it happens to be about this particular game. You're good, and you're different, and you make a very tempting target. You can't fix them or reason with them. They're going to continue snapping at your heels and pissing on your porch. Small mean dogs hiding behind anonymous bushes. *hugs* I do wish I could reason with them. Or well - at least understand them. As John says - I am always on a quest to understand. It's not trolling for the lulz. Not after, like, at least four years, counting the downrating of my Sims 2 stuff - and also Shadey came to my defense once and she said that the person replied to her post and said it was an issue dating back to the days on the Sims 2 BBS. In 2005. She also said it was obsessive and a bad business, and some other people who saw more of the secrets than I did have told me that it was obsessive and hateful and scary. And no, I cannot remember doing anything so awful back then as to inspire a hatred that would burn this strongly for half a decade. You are right, of course, and I think that some people have joined in for the reasons you suggest. But at the core - there is something here that really does scare me. A lot. Rereading and thought I should clarify - the downrating was not a random one-time one star rating drive-by. I could go more than a year between uploads, and still everything I uploaded would get downrated within 24 hours. And the legacy chapters would get repeated one star attacks, but they couldn't bring the first 8 chapters, the ones that were the highest rated stories on the Exchange for a while, down much. I tested it out once. Uploaded a story to both the MedleyMisty account and a secondary account. On the other account, it got a pretty healthy five star rating. On the MedleyMisty account, it's three stars. I guess when I went to WordPress (and hell no I didn't enable the ratings option) they had to go to the secrets to get to me. Only that meant they had to reveal the crazy - the one star ratings really did get to me because I didn't know what motivated them. For all I knew that many people really did objectively think that my stuff was horrible and truly deserved to be rated one star. But the secrets - oh, they still got to me. But I managed to finish the story, for the first time ever. In part because now I knew that whatever was motivating the hate, it sure as hell wasn't a valid opinion of the quality of my work.
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Post by sb on Jan 13, 2011 23:26:01 GMT -5
Jealousy is a very powerful motivator. And you can speak your mind eloquently but very very forcefully when something angers you, and that's a good thing.
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Post by Stacy on Jan 13, 2011 23:28:41 GMT -5
I read it Stacy - don't bother reading it, that hater is not worth your time. Your original response was perfectly fine. These people pick at things to start drama because they think it makes them feel big to put other people down, when really it just makes them really sad and lame. Beth said it better, lol! YAY I read this and now I know really you don't hate me so I might not be so scared of your other post now, lol. Oh, I'm not going to read it! I know better than that. However, I think we've slid back some and going to SimSecret will now cause me to panic again. And yeah - it came up on the way home from dinner, and Grace had the same thought I did - that maybe they were upset because they thought I was advertising. BUT! Grace and John both agreed with me that if someone expresses a liking for your work, it's normal and acceptable to inform them of your other work. Grace threatened to look it up and find it and reply to the comment. I wonder if she actually will? Which this has helped that situation, actually - I was touched by her eagerness to defend my honor, and bullying and the response to it is something we do agree on. Thank you. again.
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Post by Stacy on Jan 13, 2011 23:45:48 GMT -5
OMG!
Apparently Grace did reply to it.
She just came into the kitchen and informed me "Your haters are psychotic. And I wouldn't recommend you reading it. And I bitched them out, like five paragraphs about how much they suck. I don't know if they'll get a notification, since they're anon, but I hope they see what I said about them."
I said "Thank you for bitching them out" and she said "You're welcome."
Damn. Girl just scored a lot of points in my book.
Also - she's the most socially normal person I know. If I had done something that would offend a normal sane person, she would have told me. If the person had a reasonable point, she would have told me. So if she's saying they're psychotic...
Getting better on the blaming and hating myself part. Getting worse on the being scared/panicky part.
Also, if some LJ posts suddenly go friends-only - that also means that Grace could easily have clicked on my username and be reading my LJ. I don't think she'd do that, though - did you know she hasn't read Valley yet? She was talking tonight about checking out my writing to see if it was worthy of causing such hatred.
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Post by celebkiriedhel on Jan 13, 2011 23:59:32 GMT -5
Good for Grace! I've found that the saying 'Don't feed the Trolls' also works for the haters. Don't reply to them, don't read them. Ignore them. Remember that their hating says everything about them and nothing about you. Your reply had nothing wrong with it. It was inocuous, and if it had been anyone else, not a mention would have been made. There are lots of reasons why people do these sort of things - always to do with their own fears and shortcomings - never to do with their victim. Please remember that.
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Post by Stacy on Jan 15, 2011 1:52:14 GMT -5
Second note to self/Mobius strip: Avoid the hell out of Twitter on Friday nights. Twitter on Friday night = George R.R. Martin book. Stay away.
I've been feeling existentially ill all night.
I think that is a prelude. A sign.
Three day weekend.
Serious work on 10.08 tomorrow. Existential illness generally comes before Seth. It is, after all, his birth place. The stuff of which he is made. The place where everything goes thin. Shadows on the wall.
Creation staves off death.
It's come and gone my whole life. The first time I remember - I was five. I've told the story before. Sitting in the passenger seat of the blue Thunderbird at the gas station. I loved that car. When my mother gave it to one of her boyfriends (the one previous to the one who is responsible for the Martin books being triggering), it took me quite some time to forgive her.
Both of my cars have been Thunderbirds. Maybe I forgave her, but I never forgot.
The smell of gas fumes in the air. Swinging my legs. Looking at the numbers on the tank.
And there it was. A blinding insight into the world, in my little five year old brain. "I AM ME! And this is all there is."
And everything went thin and I did not know if I could handle existence, the thinness of it, the unrealness, the gas tank with no meaning.
There is another story, about my mother and the blue Thunderbird and my little brain. I don't...I don't think I've even told John that story. Perhaps I will never tell it.
Or perhaps I will tell it now.
I couldn't have been more than six, because Daddy was home when we got home.
We were in the mountains. She stopped at an overlook. Threatened to drive over it. Said we wouldn't have to worry about brushing our teeth anymore. I remember that. And crying. She didn't cry. I did. And screamed.
Later, she believed me when I said my cats, the most loving gentle cats ever, who are hardly ever touched or petted or picked up when they don't want to be because here they are respected as autonomous persons with the right to determine themselves and decide how they would like to be treated, scratched me a lot.
Like I said. Creation staves off death.
It fills things out. The gas tank is no longer empty. Now it is full of meaning, an object to be studied, to be described in precise detail, in all its flickering beautiful joyful impermanence.
I can see the white hot dots of joy.
10.08 starts tomorrow.
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Post by Stacy on Jan 15, 2011 19:05:23 GMT -5
Hmm. Complex PTSD and Abandonment IssuesRemembered another story. Of how one day I did not feel like practicing for the spelling bee, and ended up being choked. And like I said on Twitter when Qui and Beth were talking about the little girl who got in trouble at school and her father tried to push her out of the window - I could believe it. And empathize with the girl. I forgot my license when I went to take the ACT, so I couldn't take the test. An official had to ask my mother to stop hitting me on our way out. In the car, she kept saying things like how I couldn't have anything in the house if they took me away. While pulling my hair and hitting me in the head. Oh, I so identify with the girl who thinks she's getting fired because her boss looked at her funny. I often panic that I'm getting fired because I overhear things that sound negative at work and believe they're directed at me. Sometimes I manage to convince myself I heard my name, even. I am so lucky John puts up with me - last night at dinner I was convinced that he was angry at me because of the way he moved his elbow. And he's not my mother. So I try to fight back in my sad little way and get mad at him for getting mad at me, for thinking that I am a horrible person who deserves to be hated and is forever flawed because my plate was a quarter inch from where he thought it should be. The thing is - that's total projection. Usually he's not even mad, and if he is he still doesn't think that I am fundamentally flawed. And sometimes he ends up getting mad, because of my insistence that he's mad and my inability to believe that he doesn't hate me. Just like I bet you guys get annoyed and impatient with my self-hate and continual need for reassurance and never believing for very long that you guys actually like me or that I'm halfway decent at writing. And this is why the secrets, why people actually coming out and saying that I am fundamentally flawed for tiny imperfections, actually putting everything I say and do on trial and finding me always guilty, are perfectly calculated to drive me insane. It's IRL validation, and thus reinforcement, of all my perfectionism and negative beliefs about myself and how other people see me and judge me. A plot worthy of Salieri in Amadeus, or just a lucky coincidence?
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Post by celebkiriedhel on Jan 16, 2011 3:18:18 GMT -5
I think that's a very interesting article Stacy - and definitely one that has things to say. I hope you picked up on the things in the article that you can do to alleviate those feelings. I have more to say - but I'll say it in a PM. Oh and ? I LOVE YOU
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Post by Stacy on Jan 16, 2011 16:44:31 GMT -5
I think that's a very interesting article Stacy - and definitely one that has things to say. I hope you picked up on the things in the article that you can do to alleviate those feelings. I have more to say - but I'll say it in a PM. Oh and ? I LOVE YOU I love you too yay! Yeah - I was being a Mobius strip and googling stuff about bullying and envy again, and there's this one site that all searches about the causes of bullying lead to and it has a bit about complex PTSD. So, after sharing that story the other night and thinking about that stuff some, I decided to google it, and I found this article. And I was like "OMG! That perfectly explains me!" Another thing I just remembered - one time we were talking about parents and rules and things, and I was like "I don't remember rules. More like random unpredictable violent outbursts." This song is on Caitlyn's playlist. Yeah, it's the VEVO video, but the others don't have as good audio quality. Daughter - Pearl Jam
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Post by Stacy on Jan 17, 2011 17:55:39 GMT -5
River of Deceit - Mad Season My pain is self-chosen At least, so the prophet says I could either burn Or cut off my pride, and buy some time A head full of lies is the weight, tied to my waist The river of deceit pulls down, ohh The only direction we flow is down
My pain is self-chosen At least I believe it to be I could either drown Or pull off my skin and swim to shore Now I can grow a beautiful shell for all to see The river of deceit pulls down, yeah The only direction we flow is down
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Post by Stacy on Jan 17, 2011 21:01:54 GMT -5
Me: "I wish I was a good writer."
John: "You are."
Me: "No, I'm NOT! BECAUSE I CAN'T WRITE!!!"
Me: *sobbing*
Enough of this.
I'm going to stare at LSB until something bleeds.
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Post by Stacy on Jan 17, 2011 21:29:58 GMT -5
I found something!!!!
AND!!! I have deleted words!!!!
Oh, this is the beginning! I had to go...I had to go down to the depths, because that is the price. Everyone knows that. If you want treasure, you have to go alone, at night. And you have to leave behind some of your blood.
I never asked for an easy path.
It's like one of the comments on the River of Deceit video.
- woobieray70
I really have started to make progress! Deleted some words, rearranged others, wrote a new sentence.
OH! I can feel it!
I can also feel that this...
This one is going to take a lot out of me. But on the other side - on the other side there is progress. There is being closer to the ideal. There is learning and growing and reaching higher and higher.
But there is always a price. And this time it's going to be steep. But I am more than willing to pay it.
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Post by celebkiriedhel on Jan 17, 2011 22:34:48 GMT -5
YAY for Progress!
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Post by Stacy on Jan 18, 2011 1:38:07 GMT -5
Hahahaha. Bye bye progress. It was nice knowing you.
John's asleep now. Woo, knives. "the old familiar sting"
*wonders if maybe it's time to direct the cry for help to a professional*
*ponders deleting everything, because it sucks and she sucks and she shouldn't exist and neither should Valley and 10 because she doesn't deserve nice things* *knows she would never delete them* - 's okay, if I do Hoopty has my number. If he even remembers and notices and cares - maybe I should give emergency contact number to someone else now. But yeah - the time to use it would be if I deleted the WordPress blog. Which I'm not going to right now. I'm just going to think about it. But not do it. I'm not that crazy yet.
I are failure at life.
*goes back to the kitchen*
Once more unto the breach, dear friends.
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