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Post by celebkiriedhel on Jan 18, 2011 2:33:15 GMT -5
I thought you were going to bed at 12? Indecision is the key to flexibility. Or... the upside of procrastination - don't delete everything until you know for double-dog sure that you'll never be back. Based not on how you feel now, but how you know that how you feel now is transient. And remember I love you
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Post by Stacy on Jan 18, 2011 8:19:28 GMT -5
I thought you were going to bed at 12? Indecision is the key to flexibility. Or... the upside of procrastination - don't delete everything until you know for double-dog sure that you'll never be back. Based not on how you feel now, but how you know that how you feel now is transient. And remember I love you I did go to bed at 12. Didn't go to sleep, though. And got back up when John went to sleep. Wearing long sleeves today. It's not a question of not being back - and wouldn't that be selfish, to delete a story that's been completed for nearly a year just because I wouldn't be back? It's moot anyway, because I'm not going to do it. I might think about it, but I'm not going to do it.
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Post by Stacy on Jan 18, 2011 13:54:34 GMT -5
Sorry, guys - my only explanation is years of learning to let everything go at the keyboard. Also I was never socialized to have barriers and boundaries, to say the least.
Doing better. I think last night was the worst of it. Hopefully. Plans are to reply to LJ comments and work on 10.08 tonight, but that depends on how things go with John.
Thank you for putting up with me and my sturm und drang.
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Post by celebkiriedhel on Jan 18, 2011 19:53:43 GMT -5
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Post by Stacy on Jan 18, 2011 22:32:52 GMT -5
OMG MAJOR BREAKTHROUGH YOU GUYS!!!!
I'm not perfect! And I'll never get through to everyone and not everyone will love me and/or my work!!!
AND...that's okay!!!
Because - I am not responsible for other people's emotions and reactions. It's not my personal failing that they're having a bad day or have self-esteem issues or don't understand my intensity and so make fun of it, or whatever.
The entire world is not my responsibility, and I can't control it. And not being able to control it doesn't make me a bad person.
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lepifera
Junior Member
"....."
Posts: 93
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Post by lepifera on Jan 19, 2011 1:51:08 GMT -5
When I first started playing the Megahood, and buildling the Blogger site to go along with it, I was already asking myself whether at the end I would purposely delete the hood and the website, to the point of leaving no traces at all.
The thoughts did not stem from doubting my writing abilities or how the content would be perceived though.
Constructing a sand mandala was an important ritual in Tibetan. The monks would take literally days to weeks in making intricate patterns with colored sand. At the end, they would with a broom, whoosh, sweep away the days or weeks worth of effort, scoop the pile of sand up and release it in the river (check out the movie Kundun if you are curious). It is the Buddhists way of coming to peace with the effervescence of existence, and simply embrace the joy of the creative process, unattached to the particular outcomes.
I contemplated about doing the same, although with a mandala that is made out of a mosaic of short tales. It would be very hard, because who wouldn't feel attached to the very thing they have poured in much energy and soul in the making. The desire of the human soul to leave a lasting mark in the world is very powerful.
As to the web site that houses the stories you have written, you could delete it, yet the impression the stories already made in the heart of a reader, that is already beyond your power to erase. You see, there is this theory on the conservation of energy. The energy is not destroyed when the fire goes out, it had simply be transmitted.
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Post by laura on Jan 20, 2011 0:28:53 GMT -5
Constructing a sand mandala was an important ritual in Tibetan. The monks would take literally days to weeks in making intricate patterns with colored sand. At the end, they would with a broom, whoosh, sweep away the days or weeks worth of effort, scoop the pile of sand up and release it in the river (check out the movie Kundun if you are curious). It is the Buddhists way of coming to peace with the effervescence of existence, and simply embrace the joy of the creative process, unattached to the particular outcomes. I don't think I have anything significant to add, but I just wanted to say, I found that so interesting that I had to go look up Mandalas on Wikipedia There is a kind of beauty in creating something, and then sending it back out into the world. It makes me think of how when I was a girl, sixteen or so, I would fill up these paper journals, and then when I finished them, rather than keeping them to read through again, I would set them on fire and let them burn to ashes. I'm pretty sure I gave that bit to one of my characters in a story detail, lol! I absolutely believe in the sharing of art as conservation of energy - fascinating theory.
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Post by Stacy on Jan 20, 2011 1:26:51 GMT -5
I AM going to reply to the new posts, OMG - read yours at work, Lepifera, and OMG. But it's 1:25 a.m. and I'm really tired from staying up this late last night too, so I've got to post and run. But I will be back later, when I have the time and energy (because damn it folks, I've got to work on 10.08 at some point, and the poem too) to reply. I wrote this post on LJ, and I'm crossposting it here. I saw existence today. And it was beautiful and true and good and perfect. I had so many thoughts I wanted to share. I came home intending to write a brilliant burning entry full of love and experience and beauty and art and the insistence that everything is significant, everything has meaning, the Rainbow of Light swallows the Rainbow of Darkness and so hate becomes love by love, which I think is really the point of Valley, and that everything is glowing and green and golden and good. But. Life intervened, and I had to go to a school concert and then out to eat. And now - the glow has dimmed. And it's late. And I'm tired. That entry, the brilliant one that will take light into dark places, will have to wait. And perhaps - perhaps it is right that it has to wait, perhaps tonight's point has to come first. Last night I was talking to Kiri, and mentioned how I'd lie in bed at night in middle school and I'd think about what was beyond the universe and what God was. She informed me that such thoughts were not normal. Only - Nine Inch Nails I just made you up to hurt myself and it worked, yes it did!There is no normal. There is no fucking you. There is only me.I let other people define what is right, what is good, what is appropriate, what is "normal". I hated myself for not fitting into your world. I spent so much time trying to figure out what was wrong with me, why I was a broken misfit toy when everyone else was shining and beautiful and perfect, and wondering how I could fix it, how I could be more like you, how I could get you to accept me. I hated myself so much. Because I could not live up to your expectations. I could not please you. I could not be good enough for you. I knelt down and let you put me in chains. And I hate chains. No wonder I went crazy. So. Let's destroy those chains and rise up and live on our feet. I am allowed to be passionate. I am allowed to be emotional. I am allowed to be obsessive about my writing. I am allowed to take pride in my writing. I am allowed to see beauty and goodness and truth everywhere I look and to write impassioned LJ posts about it. I am allowed to bleed in public if I want when I am upset. I am allowed to be upset. I am allowed to have feelings, and I am allowed to have those feelings be easily hurt. I am allowed to be me. Because I am shining and beautiful and perfect. If other people can't see that, in either me or my work, it's not my failing. My work is good. I know that. And I can't force other people to be open to it. I can't force other people to see what I see in it. I cannot control the attitudes and reactions and perceptions of other people. And that does not make me a bad person, and it does not mean that my writing sucks. Because it doesn't. Because really - I was sick, if I couldn't see what was right in front of my face. If I couldn't see the thousands of comments, the 175,000 views on the blog (and NO, secrets commenter from ages ago, WordPress does not count your own visits to your blog so that is NOT me refreshing constantly), the absolutely wonderful and heartfelt deep compliments. I am a good person, and my work is damn good. And if you have a problem with me saying that - maybe you need to think about why you believe nothing can have value, why a person can never believe that they're worth anything, why we must all go around hating ourselves and saying that we suck and that nothing we do has meaning. I mean - if you're into that, if that worldview makes you happy, go for it. But I'm not going to hate myself because you judge me for being what you consider egotistical or whatever. Ain't my fault if you don't know the difference between including one's self in one's belief that everyone is of equal infinite worth and believing that one is worth more than others, between acknowledging that your work is part of the beauty of existence and believing that your work is the only beauty in existence. I am fine the way I am, with all of my intensity and idealism and hardcore ethics and obsessions and love for writing and living beings and the world and the universe and existence and my emotional swings from the highest euphoria to the darkest depths and back again. You see - I could not do what I do if I was not who I am, and I do so love what I do. And your chains are preventing me from standing up, from being all that I could be, from taking my work from damn good to the best damn writing you've ever read. I am standing up and taking these chains off. You can have them back. May you one day find the strength to throw them away.
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Post by celebkiriedhel on Jan 20, 2011 2:07:14 GMT -5
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Post by celebkiriedhel on Jan 20, 2011 5:45:23 GMT -5
Illandrya - you're not a normal person either. You're an extraordinary person, as is most all of the people on this board, (all the ones who post). What I actually said - I have a hypothesis that most people - are the type who don't use their imaginations. They plan to be married, have babies and a mortgage. They take up a career that gives them the satisfaction they need to feel significant. They enjoy movies, tv, socialising and so on - but their world doesn't really stretch past that. People who have a questing mind, who are creative and imaginative, who want to know why instead of just how - they're a rare breed. They are the ones that change the world. They can want and have what other folk want - that's not specific - but it's not enough for them. They have to write, to think, to create. They have to take the thoughts and dreams that are inside them and make them manifest. There's a place in this world for everyone - people who are imaginative, and those that are not, and a role for everyone too. And part of the misery in the world is caused because we're trying to force ourselves to be people we are not, because it feels safer for those around us. Um... and here endeth the soapbox.
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Post by Stacy on Jan 20, 2011 9:14:17 GMT -5
Exceptional = not normal! I interpreted it that way in this post to try and make the point that there is no normal, that everyone is their own person and it's wrong to force people into molds and it's wrong to judge and criticize them just because they don't fit your personal idea of normal. Basically, it's a response to all the secrets about how I was crazy and needed help because of how much I was into Valley and the LJ post I told you about seeing that I was pretty sure was a criticism of me and my posts and strong emotions about the secrets, and really - all the people ever who told me to shut up and sit down and be quiet and be normal like them. Which - I've had a pretty charmed life, because most of those people are members of the Sims community, specifically those on LJ/MATY/GoS. Never met such a vicious nasty hateful judgemental group of people in my life. I totally got that you meant it in a good way, because if you remember I was all "Whoa, that's a compliment that makes me sit down and think."
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Post by celebkiriedhel on Jan 20, 2011 9:27:03 GMT -5
Yup exactly Stacy!! It was a compliment, and it did stop you in your tracks. I was very, very glad of that too! (I was explaining so Illandrya got it ) I don't think there's ordinary either - I just think there is average (like in the statistical meaning of average) and those out on the edges of the bell curve. And people on the edges scare the people in the middle. That's what I've gotten all my life too. It's something I find easy to reject when it's strangers or acquaintainces, but harder when it's family or people I thought were my friends.
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Post by Stacy on Jan 22, 2011 20:48:04 GMT -5
Coming on like a hurricane! We went to see Tangled again last night. During the bit where Rapunzel is all "Best. Day. EVER!!!" and swinging around and then in the next shot she's lying face down on the ground sobbing "I'm the most despicable person ever." and the guy, Eugene, is shown standing there watching with a long-suffering look on his face, John leaned over and said "I know how he feels."
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Post by celebkiriedhel on Jan 22, 2011 20:51:11 GMT -5
Is Tangled a good film then? Coming on like a hurricane is great!
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Post by Stacy on Jan 22, 2011 20:54:21 GMT -5
Is Tangled a good film then? Coming on like a hurricane is great! Oh yes! Even Grace was impressed and her after-movie conversation was all about how it was awesome and pretty and a great movie. Err - it could be somewhat triggering though. The mother figure is completely messed up - it's a very good portrayal of a dysfunctional mother-daughter relationship. Including the effects of it, like Rapunzel's rapidly changing from exuberance at being free from the mother figure to guilt at leaving her. Of course, I quite liked it because the villain's motivation is staying young forever and not getting old and dying, and plus there's a waterfall.
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Post by thelunarfox on Jan 22, 2011 21:32:13 GMT -5
We went to see Tangled again last night. During the bit where Rapunzel is all "Best. Day. EVER!!!" and swinging around and then in the next shot she's lying face down on the ground sobbing "I'm the most despicable person ever." and the guy, Eugene, is shown standing there watching with a long-suffering look on his face, John leaned over and said "I know how he feels." That was one of my most favorite scenes of the movie (though there were so many other close runners especially when Maximus was onscreen). I could so relate. I compared it to writing. You know, one second, "I'm so amazing! This is good!" and then the next, "No, this is horrible. I'm the worst person ever."
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Post by raquelaroden on Jan 22, 2011 22:08:45 GMT -5
I loved Tangled!! That was a great scene, but I think I love a few of those with Maximus the most. I can identify with a strict rule-follower like that.
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Post by Stacy on Jan 22, 2011 23:29:18 GMT -5
Rachel and Lunar - Oh yeah, Maximus is great! We all like this anime named Kenshin and there's one episode of it, err - a not so good episode, but anyway - with a horse that jumps this impossible distance. And the horse is known as Super Horse. So of course we got a big kick out of being all "Super Horse!" about Maximus. And yeah - later John said that scene was like the last two panels of the George Orwell comic.
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Post by Stacy on Jan 23, 2011 23:53:29 GMT -5
I do believe I have broken the block. No words written yet, but I did a hell of a lot of researching and plotting tonight. I think that was a large part of it - I had no clue where I was going past presenting the "horse of a different color" spray painted on the wall. I have some clues now, though.
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Post by Stacy on Jan 24, 2011 19:59:09 GMT -5
So I was closing my tabs, feeling the power, being all "Haven't done this in a while" and the phone rang.
My mother is stream of consciousness blogging into my ear.
FUCKKKKKK
First 30 seconds.
Okay. She hung up. Time to get this party started.
*shakes fingers*
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